Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She's the barista slut.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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