I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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