you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
