someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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