Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
