i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
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Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
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Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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