You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
