I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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