my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
