chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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