I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
