Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
