I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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