Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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