allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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