I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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