i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
