On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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