There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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