Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
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She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
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If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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