I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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