We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
