All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
