somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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