I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
