Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
