Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
