If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
