so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
