Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Randomize
