The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
