I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
is that a dick in a sweater?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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