You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
