Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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