awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Randomize
