the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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