I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
