So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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