I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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