Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
