if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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