Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
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It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
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Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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