Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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