I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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