Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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