Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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