I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
