I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
