Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
