sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
