I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
