Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
