I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Green mimosas i think yes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
