Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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