my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
