seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
