Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
