The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
